Another day down :)

Day 2 … Look at me go!

 

I know, I know it is only 11:40 in the morning but I am pretty proud of myself. Sure I think about ‘him’ hope he’s okay, but I don’t want to talk to him still. I don’t want him to know anything about us. I know its only day 2.

I could go on about how he did me wrong and what he’s done to me and not just me but our 8 month old son, but why? That part of my life is over. I am so grateful to my ex for my son, and I will raise him on my own. I feel a new sense of freedom, like I can laugh again and it’s genuine and it’s not forced. I look forward to every day and know I can actually love my life again. It’s truly an amazing feeling.

I was never the type of girl you could knock down, I would usually laugh through the hurt and brush it off the shoulder. But when you believe, I mean truly believe and trust and love – well let’s just say that if it’s with the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time that hurt can knock you to your knees. It can make you feel so winded that you’re grasping for air just to breath. When you want to hang to the good you once had but the hurt is just too much. Take a deep breath, have faith and let go.

I know I will have some bad days still of what he’s missing, of never understanding the lies, and just simply missing him and what we had but I have let go. Every day I don’t contact him or don’t respond to him the more peace I have in my heart. I know its only day 2, but it’s more peace and love that I feel in the last year and a half. It’s a great feeling. It gives me faith again.

I wake up every day and say what I am grateful for and I say thank you for it all every night and all through the day.

I guess it’s true you really have to go through the worst to feel so broken before you get to the best. Thank you for the reminder because for the first time in forever I am just happy. I sit here and think of life and just smile…

Until tomorrow… Kisses Xo

Detox...

30 Day Detox

 

Well I have made it through the first half of day one. I haven’t felt the need to contact ‘him’. I am not going to say it is easy, BUT I am doing it…

Ahhhh I say with a smile. It’s almost like I finally have some peace now ‘he’s’ gone back home. I don’t mean it in a mean way, not even a little.

All I have to say is if you can live in the same town as your son for 6 months and see him at the very most 7 times and leave him without seeing him or saying good bye,

I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore. It isn’t even worth the fight. 

So I am on a 30 day detox and I hope after the 30 days I have no urge to talk with him again, I call it the 30 day detox because the 30 days is always the hardest. I didn’t pick the best tie to do it since Christmas is 18 days away but all I have to remember is he left without a good bye.

Day 1 – a) Zumba man alive I am grateful for a good Zumba work out. I get to look awkwardly sexy and laugh the whole time. Thank you sweet A for watching Baby K for me do this.

b) My kids remind me no matter what is going on in life I am ever so grateful for them. They always make me laugh no matter the mood. Watching each milestone they reach in life is a true blessing.

c) I am so grateful for my struggle, YES my struggle. Maybe somewhere in life I forgot to say thank you for my life and everything I have and maybe some day’s aren’t what we wanted or what we thought it would be, but everything you have is a true blessing and sometimes we forget to appreciate the little things, My struggle is a reminder of all I have.

d) I am grateful that I am sitting here on a Sunday with a glass of wine watching Friday and laughing. A month ago, year ago, 2 weeks ago – well I never thought I would be sitting here laughing, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and what he did to me. Thank you for making me stronger.

e) Most of all today I am grateful that I get to be me. That I don’t have to lie or cheat. I don’t have to mislead people or make people feel bad about themselves. I don’t have to be perfect in fact I am imperfectly beautiful and I am grateful for that.

Every day I am going to blog about the good and bad of this 30 day detox and maybe some other great fun stories because my life is a journey in itself.

Chat tomorrow maybe even tonight… KISSES XO

Do Not React they say...

It's 1:30 in the afternoon and I already have a glass in wine in hand.

This whole what you give the universe is what you get back seems hard most days right now. But I am gonna keep trying. At this very moment I am drinking my wine and telling myself, DO NOT REACT! Ugh the hardest this is not reacting.

It's my job to protect and defend my son. I mean how dare his own father out him in a situation to have girls be gossiping about if his own father loves him or not... GTFOH before I punch you in the mouth. FOR REAL who says that shit?

Talk about me all you want say I am sad he don't love me, LOL say it me, say whatever you want about me, I don't care. I mean really who are you and what do you mean in my life? NOTHING

But hear me Bitch, you need to back the FUCK UP if you wanna come at my baby because I have never had a problem knocking a bitch out! Trust that!

DON'T REACT, DON'T REACT. DO NOT REACT!

Ha, see how well  this is going!

I guess it's better to blog my reaction instead of reacting to him or any of those girls...

Keep hating bitches because I promise you what you give the universe is what you are gonna get back and your attacking a 6 month old cause all you girls are sleeping with the same guy and I am the one girl that don't want to be with him. I am the one girl to not let him treat me like shit and believes the lies and keep allowing it, Keep hating cause I have his baby, its not gonna make me love him less, it just speak volumes about you!

What YOU Give Is What YOU Get

I have had a lot to figure out lately and I have decided that what I give out is what I am getting back. It's take a few arguments to realize this but I am finally here. I finally see happy again!

I could make every post about him and how he did me wrong and how he does our baby wrong and I could write for years about the games his girl friend plays and the lies she tells, but why? Sure probably makes for some great drama but then I am only getting negatives back. And I am not that girl, damn not even a little.

But what's sad is for a bit I lost my self in  the hurt and lies and I kept letting it happen. I slept with him multiple times knowing his girl was pregnant but I didn't care because that is what she did to me. (an example of  you get what you give back to the universe) I reacted to the hurtful things she would say, and I couldn't understand why he lied sooo much and caused so much drama. I know I will never get the honest answer so I decided I no longer want an answer. which brings me back to you get from the universe what you put out to the universe. 

I have never hid who I was, I am proud of who I am and where I come from. My life was anything but easy. Maybe I didn't do things the right way and marry and then have kids but by golly, I love each and everyone of them more then I could explain. (Even on the worst days). I don't have to talk bad about anyone to feel better about myself, cause I am an amazing person. 

If someone else is always trying to put my life down, judge me, anything negative,  that's what they will get back in their life. Maybe they should ask themselves actually I should even ask myself why do I feel such negative energy? Maybe its a reflection of ones self and blaming others for your unhappiness? 

There has to be something truly wrong in your life you are always looking for the bad, putting out negatives in the universe but remember your life will never get better that way its only gonna give you back what you put out there! 

No I am not drunk, well maybe drunk on life again - I am loving it! 

Until next time readers...

Oil and Gas Boys

Some guy in the elevator today told me I was naturally beautiful and he did a double look at me. My face was so red as there was about six other people in the elevator so I asked him if he was drunk. Lol and another guy says and she's funny... 

I think these boys have too many liquid lunches and it's only Tuesday. 

With that said I missed my Special K like crazy. Our first day apart. He's been in my arms ever since I got home and I don't wanna let him go. A momma's love  ❤️💙

Out with the negatives in with the positives!

Its really crazy how life works. How one person that meant so much to you could bring so much negative in your life.

I would like to think that he didn't mean to and when he promised me forever he meant it. He was truly my happy. One thing I don't regret is my baby boy that we created out of love and passion.

Yesterday someone hit my car when I was in a parking lot, the impact sent my baby into some serious distress, which made us spend hours at the children's hospital. What drives me crazy was my ex was so eager to blame me that he didn't once ask if our baby was okay.

After last night and the last 5 months, well really since he went back to the States in December I see how he really is towards my son which isn't much. I feel like he has replaced him with this new baby that is only 5 months younger than our baby. (sad hey?!) Sure I get this happens to a lot of people but it doesn't happen to me!

I would be okay with the situation if his girlfriend wasn't so mean and didn't slander my name because of lies that he told or if she didn't talk bad about my baby. But what drives me crazy more is how she lies and to him. There is a stupid anonymous blog that anyone can write on and not leave your name, well she writes personal things he or his family has said all to make his ex wife and I look bad and she does it on horrible days like the day of his brothers funeral or when he is playing football, well all the time. It easy to trace her IP address to her especially when it comes from a hospital in Cali where she is. One would like to think that living with him and having his baby would make you secure enough not to write on there, I can happily say I barely even look on there anymore cause all it is, is a bunch of insecure girls all sleeping with the same guy trying to hurt each other... UHM NO THANKS!!!

But after last night and knowing how serious things are with my baby and the fact he didn't ask about him nor come to the hospital has really changed my view of him and the situation. I need him out of our lives and I need to cut off all contact with him. I need to protect my son from his life.

All I know is before him, I had the whole world in my hands and nothing could stop me nor break me. I was the happiest girl ever. Well here we go back to that life. Don't get me wrong it isn't going to be easy but damn I deserve it. I have 3 beautiful children and a house full of love and laughter what else could a Mom want.

These girls can stalk me cause that's what his girlfriend does, I am sure within the hour I post this blog he will know. But see I am back in my bubble and not him, his girlfriend or any girl he is sleeping with ( and yes they are other, you can't tell me I am the only one he's been sleeping with since July) can pop my bubble. I am taking back my life! I refuse to be insecure and look girls up when I could be blogging or playing with my kids, I could be doing anything that doesn't waste my energy on the negative.

Besides I don't want a life of lies or a man that constantly cheat on me, but more importantly I could never be with someone that refuses to put his son first or let his girl talk about about his own child.

So out with the negatives and him and HELLO positives.

Ninja PLEASE!

He kills me, for real!

My heart breaks for him and his family. I couldn't imagine losing a brother or son in such a tragic way. I couldn't imagine the pain he is going through. What I do know is I would want to hold each and everyone of my kids a little closer and a little longer.

But of course him not seeing his son for a month before this even happened is my fault. Yep and now its even more my fault because I stress him out and he can't compromise with me... Ninja PLEASE! I have always been there for you even when I was hurt and angry. I am the one who brought you food and gave you my truck, I bent over backwards to be there for you and have you build a relationship with your son. YOU have never anything.

Its funny how your girl friend had the balls to say that I show favoritism to my baby over my other two... (BOLD FACE LIE) I do everything with all of my children. I love all of them beyond words. Hmmm Ninja what are you doing? Oh right, YOU acting like Special K doesn't exist and do everything to be a good father to the other two and the other one was just born. I think your girlfriend even said I shouldn't be a mother, so WHAT'S this say about you. Didn't she also say something about my kids having different dads? Hmmm don't your three boys have different Mom's and you and your Brothers and sister have different Dad's? Hmmm What's she say about you and your situation? Wait come to think of it doesn't her Dad have kids with different women?

The next time you do an media interview at work and tell them how important family is to you, maybe remind yourself that you have a 5 month old baby that you have nothing to do with. 

Its so sad that you tell so many lies to make me this horrible person, and act like I should be hurt or upset. But here's the truth you can lie about me make people think bad things about me that part I can move on from, but how you treat our son I can't get over and I won't get over it.

You should be ashamed of your self for how you treat him and how you let your girlfriend talk about about him. What kind of a father doesn't defend their own child.

One day you will want to know special K and you will reach out to him, but when that day comes I pray for you it won't be too late.

You wanna talk for real?!

Do you forget the lies you told about me? Do you forget how girls you mess with are saying how much you hate me? How I ruined your life? LOL yes that one made me laugh out loud because they really have no idea what you put me thru,Or how about I am the biggest mistake you ever made, instead they are believing lies and then writing those lie on a blog where they don't have to own up to. But, While I am being honest your girl friend you know the girl that is suppose to trust you, support you have your back at all time or you know that ride and die shit... ya well she's the worst one. She tell all you say and worse she involves your Mom saying she calls your ex wife trash and me well I guess she can't stomach me, even though we have never met. Man Alive I can only imagine the lies you told your family.

I guess he forgot to tell these girls how we were together for just over a year. How you constantly lied to me. How his 'girlfriend' moved in with him while he was in a full on relationship with me. No it was not just sex and no there was no trap. He told me he saw forever with me, he promised me a life together as I was having his baby. I mean he was away with me when she moved in. Ha, how did I not figure it out. He even came back to Canada early so we could spend time together before camp started and you lived with me then even. I won't even remind him of this year, how he tried the 'we had chemistry and the best sex he has is with me, how good we were, Yeah I remember but you seem to forget every day when telling lies to these other girls.

I bet he forgot to tell you how happy we were too. We never argued, we respected each others privacy but yet shared so much. How everything was good we were HAPPY! Maybe I should have asked more questions but I trusted him with everything I had, I thought I had found my happy. We were even having a baby. Damn!!! How could I be so stupid to believe the lies, to think he would be the one guy not to cheat to stay and be a father and my man.

The funny thing is all these girls including his girlfriend seriously stalk my social media and I mean the things these girls find in profile pictures is crazy. I go to a football game and its written in a blog, my favorite part is the girl that keeps saying it's me in the blog... Nope I am using that in court so my son can have my name. Plus entertaining these silly girls and defending myself to a bunch of lies seem like BS to me. But my point is if you believed he hated me, and I was his worst mistake you wouldn't be so worried about me. Yes your all worried about me or you wouldn't stalk me and write bad things about me.

Oh one last thing today.... Hey girl friend, I do have 3 kids by different Dads but I LOVE all of them more then life its self, they are all different and I love all their differences and I love the things they have in common. My kids are brought up to be very close and if you ever met them you would never know they have different Dads because they are brought up together, and in a loving home. Remember HE has 3 kids with different Moms all brought up in different homes and he barely has anything to do with the 2 he has now and how your baby mom number 3.

Yeah so No I don't wanna talk, after all the lies what could we possibly have to talk about? Remember You hate me, I am your worst mistake, I ruined your life, remember?

A Glass of Wine Later

Here I go again, it's been awhile and my world is so different. Who am I kidding, I am so different.

I wanted to start blogging my road to 40 but it isn't working out well. Now a glass of wine later here I sit. Not sure where I should start so lets start with the recent. The past is the past.

I now am a single Mom of 3 and the youngest being 3 month. SO not what was suppose to happen. Man Alive the lies the baby dad has told, YES the baby daddy.